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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28050783">Shintaro's Christmas Carol</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorMoney/pseuds/DoctorMoney'>DoctorMoney</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Kagerou Project, Mekakucity Actors</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Inspired by A Christmas Carol, References to Suicide, Self-Hatred</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 14:55:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,766</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28050783</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorMoney/pseuds/DoctorMoney</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>On the night of Christmas Eve, Shintaro Kisaragi only wants peace and quiet, away from all the festivities. However, four uninvited visitors find their way to him and take him on a journey through his memories, leaving him with a lesson he never forgets.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kisaragi Momo &amp; Kisaragi Shintaro, Kisaragi Shintaro &amp; Snake of Retaining Eyes, Kisaragi Shintaro &amp; Tateyama Ayano</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Stave 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Shintaro gets two unexpected visitors.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p><p>To Shintaro Kisaragi, December 24th was the same as any other day of the year, only it had the addition of more annoying interruptions than usual, due to it being Christmas time. He was thankful he was on Christmas Break or Ayano would have been talking his ear off about holiday spirit, or something like that.</p><p> </p><p>Although it wasn't much better at home, considering Momo had taken it upon herself to fill that role during dinner.</p><p> </p><p><em> Speak of the devil </em>, he thought, hearing his door open.</p><p> </p><p>Momo stepped in, violating his sanctuary without a care and blabbering something about a gift exchange.</p><p> </p><p>“I thought we agreed we wouldn’t go into each other’s rooms,” said Shintaro, pushing his earphones further in.</p><p> </p><p>“Aren’t you excited for Christmas at all?” asked Momo, leaning so close to him that he felt her breath on him.</p><p> </p><p>“Why would I be? No one’s getting me anything anyway because I really don’t care about this holiday,” said Shintaro, hoping she would take the hint and leave.</p><p> </p><p>“But I’m sure some of the people you know would definitely get you something if you let them; like that girl Ayano! You shouldn’t be upset-”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not upset!” he snapped, pulling off his earphones and glaring at her. “Seriously, leave me alone. Don’t you have people to celebrate with or something? Let me enjoy Christmas Eve my own way.” </p><p> </p><p>Without waiting for a response, Shintaro jabbed his earphones back in and turned up the volume. A minute later, he glanced over at the door, music still blasting in his ears, and saw that it was now closed. He shut his eyes, and let out a sigh.</p><p> </p><p>He bet that even his tactless sister had people who remembered to say “Merry Christmas” to her. He would have felt embarrassed at his lack of real friendships if socializing was something he actually liked.</p><p> </p><p>Suddenly, one of the earbuds in Shintaro’s ear was yanked out, making him jump in his seat. His sister was once again standing next to him, a strained grin on her face.</p><p> </p><p>"We got invitations to a get-together at someone’s house tomorrow. Are you sure you don’t want to come?” she asked, trying to inject some pep into her voice to keep the situation civil.</p><p> </p><p><em> When did she come back? </em> <b> <em>Why</em> </b> <em> did she come back? </em></p><p> </p><p>“Why would I want to?” asked Shintaro.</p><p> </p><p>“I know your classmates are going,” said Momo.</p><p> </p><p>"Like who?" he asked, deciding to play along with her if it meant she would leave him alone sooner.</p><p> </p><p>"I know Haruka's going to be there with Takane," said Momo, creeping closer to his chair.</p><p> </p><p>"When is it?" </p><p> </p><p>As crazy as he felt, Shintaro entertained the thought of going. At least it would kill time; most of the people on his forums wouldn't be active on Christmas, so it wouldn’t be like he’d have anything better to do.</p><p> </p><p>“All day tomorrow. I also know there’s someone special to you who’s going," tempted Momo.</p><p> </p><p>"Who?"</p><p> </p><p>"Ayano Tateyama! She's actually hosting it at her house, and-"</p><p> </p><p>"Momo, there is no chance of me going to that place, not tomorrow, or ever, so don't bother asking me again. If you’re done annoying me for the day, can you let me have my peace for once!" </p><p> </p><p>Shintaro pushed past his sister and stormed over to his bed, pulling the covers over him. He could feel Momo’s shocked eyes on him, and heard her huff in annoyance. Seconds later, the door to his room was slammed shut, slightly shaking his room. The sound of Momo’s footsteps grew fainter and fainter, until Shintaro could hear nothing but his own breathing, and the faint music from his discarded earphones.</p><p> </p><p><em> Finally, some peace and quiet </em>.</p><p> </p><p>He went back to his computer and spent the next few hours browsing the Internet. As much as he tried, he couldn’t avoid the repeated references to Christmas everywhere he looked. Why was there such a ruckus over a western holiday?</p><p> </p><p>His cursor suddenly froze in the middle of his scrolling. Before he could figure out what had happened, a woman’s face popped up on his monitor and appeared to stare right at him. He let out a shout and leaned into his chair. His body told him to escape, but he had an overwhelming sense of curiosity that prevented him from leaving.</p><p> </p><p>Her hair was black and thick, and almost seemed like it was moving, reaching out to him through the screen. Looking closer, he realized the majority of it wasn’t actually hair, but a mass of black snakes. Her wide, red eyes were looking straight at him, and Shintaro thought they could’ve cut through him like lasers in the darkness. She had a distinctive black pattern on both her cheeks, similar to the scales of the snakes in her hair.</p><p> </p><p>After what felt like an eternity of waiting, the face disappeared and his computer went back to normal.</p><p> </p><p>The first thing he did was put a paper over his camera and open his anti-virus. He closed off all his tabs and tapped his foot as he waited for results.</p><p> </p><p>He then realized how dark and quiet his room was. Maybe Momo would come back to ask him something again? At least he wouldn’t be alone.</p><p> </p><p>Shintaro actually fell off his chair when a series of knocks came from his bedroom door. He picked himself up and went over, ready to berate Momo for once again bothering him.</p><p> </p><p>The door opened and he took an involuntary step back at the sight of the woman he had just seen on his screen, now standing merely inches away from him.</p><p> </p><p>“Who are you? H-How did you get in my house?”</p><p> </p><p>She ignored him and stepped into his room, slamming the door behind her. </p><p> </p><p>“Stop glancing around the room like a fool. I’m not here to steal anything or hurt you,” she said.</p><p> </p><p>He felt less reassured by her statement, but something told him it was smarter to listen to her.</p><p> </p><p>“Who I am doesn’t matter to you. I came here tonight because you are the only one who has a chance of changing the future. I’ve seen that creature push her to her limit countless times, and I’m tired of seeing her feel helpless over and over. Do you know what it feels to lose everything you had? You will soon enough.”</p><p> </p><p>The woman sounded like she was talking to herself half the time, but Shintaro paid attention out of fear of upsetting her.</p><p> </p><p>“I was trapped and left powerless a long time ago. If you don’t wish to feel any of the pain I have suffered, listen to my words very carefully. Two ghosts will come to you tonight and offer you guidance. <em> If </em> you forsake their lessons, you will endure multiple lifetimes of suffering.”</p><p> </p><p>After saying those words, she started to walk back towards the entrance to his room, stopping at the doorway. The woman fixated him with a serious look. “I’m counting on you to end the tragedy.”</p><p> </p><p>The woman vanished into the darkness of the hallway. Shintaro waited five minutes before going downstairs to check if she was gone. He found no traces of her at all- no footsteps, no misplaced objects, no unlocked front door, and no open windows.</p><p> </p><p>It was like she had appeared outside his room and disappeared into thin air.</p><p> </p><p>Shintaro’s curiosity drove him to check most of his house’s first floor, finding nothing out of the ordinary. Strangely enough, neither his mother nor Momo had woken up during the ruckus and he hadn’t checked upstairs yet.</p><p> </p><p>His search left him in front of a shut door to a bedroom. A room his family seldom entered after his father’s death. </p><p> </p><p>The door was definitely open during dinner; he couldn’t remember the last time it was shut. She must have hid inside then.</p><p> </p><p>Shintaro threw open the door without thinking, and heard a voice inside say “Didn’t your mother teach you to knock?”</p><p> </p><p>It was the voice of a man. Shintaro could hear traces of laughter in it, and it sounded oddly familiar to him. He flicked on the light and came face to face with someone who looked like an older version of him.</p><p> </p><p>The man offered him a warm smile right away. He had an awed look in his eyes when he took in Shintaro’s features.</p><p> </p><p>“Who are you?” asked Shintaro, trying to figure out why the man seemed so familiar.</p><p> </p><p>“I knew you would still be up at this hour. You should leave your ceiling light on until you go to sleep; the lamp and computer screen will hurt your eyes,” said the man. </p><p> </p><p>Somehow, the unrelated response answered Shintaro’s question. His eyes widening in shock, he stammered out a “Y-You’re not my father, a-are you?”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re correct. Let’s talk in your room then,” said his father, leading the way upstairs.</p><p> </p><p>Shintaro was overcome by such a strong mix of emotions that left him dizzy. Hundreds of thoughts jumped out from his brain and he was barely aware of walking to his room.</p><p> </p><p>What do you say to someone who you haven’t seen for over a decade? Especially because they died?</p><p> </p><p>They entered his room and Shintaro had to take a seat before he collapsed from the sheer emotion.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you-” Shintaro took a breath, mentally replacing the word “dead” with something else. “Are you one of the spirits?”</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe you should think about being a detective,” his father joked with a smile. “You can call me the Ghost of Christmas Past. I’m taking you to see your life up to now, as the title implies.”</p><p> </p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p> </p><p>“You’ll see soon. Get dressed and put your coat on; I’m taking you outside in a few minutes,” said his father.</p><p> </p><p>After Shintaro put on his outdoor clothes, he turned to see his father half climbing out his bedroom window and rushed over.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you doing? You’re going to fall if you do that!” Shintaro tried to pull him back.</p><p> </p><p>“Shintaro, I’m already dead. What else can happen to me? Don’t worry, I won’t fall. Let go and you’ll see,” said his father.</p><p> </p><p>He reluctantly let go and watched his father inch his way out. When he made it through, he floated on the spot as if he was standing on something invisible.</p><p> </p><p>“When you come out, take my hand so you won’t fall,” said his father.<br/><br/></p><p>Shintaro forced himself out the window and tried not to scratch his clothes. He reached out for his father’s hand and started floating when they touched. He felt weightless and didn’t have to put in any effort to hold on. </p><p> </p><p>A memory of his father taking him by the hand and exploring parts of the city came to him like a bowling ball. He felt tears staining his face as he realized how much he missed having both parents in his life. How much he longed for someone who understood him. </p><p> </p><p>“Are you ready to go?” said his father.</p><p> </p><p>Shintaro nodded before remembering he had never asked where they were going. His realization came too late; they immediately soared through the air and above the roofs of countless other houses. It felt like being on a roller coaster and a plane with turbulence at the same time. Shintaro was thankful he hadn’t had any late night snacks.</p><p> </p><p>“Can’t we go any slower?” he asked, covering his face in an attempt to fend off the wind with his other hand.</p><p> </p><p>“Unfortunately not. Try not to move too much.” said his father. “Don’t look down either.”</p><p> </p><p>Shintaro almost looked down before he recalled that they were in the air. He was sure he would faint on the spot when he saw tiny houses beneath him, and he kept his gaze forward.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you see that?” asked his father, pointing at a faint glow a distance away “That’s your past.”</p><p> </p><p>Shintaro could make out the glow that expanded as they glided closer to it. A pit formed in his stomach.</p><p> </p><p>“The past? Doesn’t that mean I’ll be seeing- wait, I’m not ready to-”</p><p> </p><p>They flew into the light before he finished his sentence.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Stave 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Shintaro braced himself for the impact that never came. His surroundings hadn’t changed, and his house was in front of him. However, he noticed the wallpaper wasn’t as close to peeling off as it was hours ago, and the front door had less scratches.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Are we in the past now?" asked Shintaro.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His father nodded, unlocking the door.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t enter, lingering by the entrance and making a point of not looking inside. "Wait, if I see myself in the past, isn't it gonna cause a time loop?"</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Don't worry, they can't see or hear us," said his father, walking in.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shintaro followed him, marveling at how much shinier everything had been a few years ago. The paint on the walls wasn’t as faded, and the floorboards were much smoother. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>That wasn’t the only thing that was more alive</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he thought, remembering how he had done more than sit at his computer a few years ago.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As if on cue, a younger version of him appeared in view. He was sitting on a couch and leaned over with a book in his hands.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A younger version of Momo stood behind him and frowned, but his younger self didn't notice.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"This was before you used books as shelf decorations," joked his father, earning a small groan from Shintaro.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Is that important?" said Shintaro, wondering if his father had a hidden message.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"It depends," said his father, “although it's not the focus for today. I only wanted to see you grow up for a few minutes."</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Guilt washed over Shintaro. He didn’t mean to rush his father and make him think he was in a hurry to leave. The scenery changed before he could apologize, and they appeared in the middle of a school hallway.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Isn’t this my school? Why did we jump so many years ahead?" asked Shintaro.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“This memory is extremely relevant to you,” said his father, walking into his classroom despite never visiting the school in his lifetime.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The familiar afternoon sun sent its rays through the window, painting parts of the room orange. Another version of him sat next to Ayano, resembling his present self in every aspect.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Do you recognize her?" said his father.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Of course I do. That's Ayano Tateyama. She was the first person I met in high school," said Shintaro.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Past-Ayano was shaking her head and present-Shintaro drew closer so he could make out her words.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Why are you making such a big deal out of it?" his past self grumbled, shoving a test into his backpack and crumpling it in the process.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Because you’re downplaying something you should be proud of," said Ayano.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"By your standards, anyone with half a brain should be proud," retorted past-Shintaro, causing present-Shintaro to flinch.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He cursed himself for his rudeness and didn’t dare look at his father.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Maybe you're right, but that doesn't mean your grades aren’t impressive. I wish I could be like you at school," said Ayano.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Are you only complimenting me so you can get help?" asked past-Shintaro.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course not!” Now Ayano seemed offended and her smile dropped. “If you don’t want to help, I won’t argue.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After a period of silence, past-Shintaro relented. “Fine, if I’m not busy I can try to teach you, but don’t blame me if you still get low marks.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ayano's face lit up right away. "Thank you, Shintaro. I'll do my best in class and try not to waste your time. I really ap-"</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Past-Shintaro headed out the door. Ayano waved, although he didn't turn around. Her smile faded again and she curled her fingers around her test before dropping it in her bag.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"You were always a gentleman," his father deadpanned, and Shintaro felt his disapproval burning a hole through his head. "Why did you hate her so much?"</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"I never </span>
  <em>
    <span>hated</span>
  </em>
  <span> her, she was just too annoying when she was around me. Always asking me to walk home, telling me about how ‘impressive’ my test was, asking me for homework help- did she really not have anyone else to go to? Why did she always bother me?" said Shintaro.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"If you really hated her company that much, why didn't you tell her? You didn't have any problem being rude," said his father.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shintaro opened his mouth on instinct, but he couldn't figure out a proper response.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s because you're the person you hate the most in this classroom," said his father.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s-” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Untrue? Do you take pride in your grades and good memory?” pressed his father.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not even difficult for me though. Why should I be proud of something I didn’t need to work for? I was born with a good memory,” argued Shintaro. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"You don't recognize your own accomplishments because 'it’s not even difficult for you though,' but you don't want to do anything that's hard. It’s not a mystery why you’re unhappy." said his father.  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The words sank in, and Shintaro didn’t try to refute his father’s words. Although he was frustrated about how accurate his father was, he knew better than to argue now. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"I have another memory to show you," said his father.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>In the blink of an eye, Shintaro’s past self reappeared in a now darker classroom. Shintaro realized the memory was from a few weeks ago and he was filled with an immense dread.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Please, don’t show me this one,” said Shintaro.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“If you don’t see it, you’ll never learn,” said his father.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The first thing he noticed was how deeply his past-self was scowling by the window seats, hands up in the air as he yelled. Ayano stood a few steps away, flinching out of guilt. She hung her head so neither Shintaros could read her expression, and her entire body drooped like a wilted flower.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"How did you forget </span>
  <em>
    <span>again</span>
  </em>
  <span>? We're gonna get a low mark because you were too stupid to remember what your part in the project was!" past-Shintaro shouted.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ayano spoke in a quiet voice "I'm sorry, I tried to ask you on email because I didn't have your number, but-"</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Is that my problem? I've been trying to teach you schoolwork for months, but you can't remember a single thing when it matters! I'm tired of talking to you." With those words, past-Shintaro stomped out without looking back.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ayano wordlessly stared at him, taking a few deep breaths and gathering her notebooks into her backpack before tears streamed down her face.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"You know I didn't mean it, right?" said Shintaro, forgetting she couldn't hear him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"You're lying to yourself again. You were still angry about it tonight," reminded his father.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"I was just..." Shintaro lost his words. “Just don’t show me anymore, please. What was the point in making me see all this?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you think?” asked his father.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“So I know how unlikeable I am. She’ll be happier without me around,” replied Shintaro. “I knew that all along. That’s why I didn’t get why she always tried to talk to me. Didn’t she have better friends?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His father shook his head. “I knew the point would fly right over your head. Why do you think I came tonight? The only reason I’m here is because your future isn’t set in stone.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you mean?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not too late for you to change. Whether Ayano is better off with or without you is something you need to figure out in the present. But you do know she deserves better. When you spend so much time trying to drive people away, you’re only setting yourself up for loneliness.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After his father finished speaking, Shintaro was engulfed in a deep shame. His first urge was to lash out and say “You don’t know me.” He would have done it if it was anyone but his father speaking to him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But his father knew him even better than he knew himself. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re…you’re right,” Shintaro choked out. “I was stupid to blame Ayano for only trying to be nice. How do I fix it? Can I fix it?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“The future is never certain, so anything can be changed. This is something you need to remember.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His father then sighed, the first trace of sadness in him in the entire evening.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"It's almost time for me to leave,” he said.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shintaro sharply turned to his father and looked him up and down. He tried to imprint as much of his father as he could into his memories, even as he shook his head.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"No... you can't go already! I didn't even get to tell you about my life. There’s so much I wanted to say. You don’t know how much I missed you. How much I </span>
  <em>
    <span>needed</span>
  </em>
  <span> someone who understood. Please dad. Not now."</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry Shintaro. I really am. I’ll be watching over you like I have all this time. Tell Momo she shouldn’t blame herself for what happened to me,” said his father, and he smiled at the end. “I want you to remember me like this. If you manage to remember, draw me and keep the image for yourself and Momo. I don’t want her last memory of me to be from the lake.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He studied his father again, finding that his figure was surrounded by a blurriness that wouldn’t go away even after Shintaro rubbed his eyes. It was like someone cast a flashlight directly in his face and messed up his vision.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His father resembled a figure in the background of his memories. He was there, but Shintaro could barely make out any of his features.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He rushed over and pulled his father in a tight hug, as if holding on would stop him from leaving. “I missed you so much. I’ll never forget what you told me, I promise.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His father hugged him back, but before long the weight of his arms disappeared. He was clutching the empty air now. His father was gone.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Stave 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>"Please...don't go...don't go..." he murmured, shooting upright in his bed. "Dad?"</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He glanced around and found himself back in his room. The place where he had felt safe hiding in for so long only brought him loneliness when he remembered he was the only person in it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Was that all a dream? Why was it so realistic?</span>
  </em>
  <span> he asked himself.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He noticed his cheeks were wet and he wiped them with his sleeve, feeling a few tears across his eyelashes as well. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He never had any dreams about his father in the past, come to think of it. He wondered what had prompted this one.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Was there a chance it actually </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> his father’s spirit trying to tell him something? He would have dismissed the possibility anytime before, but the dream was far too detailed to be just his imagination.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you really watching me dad? Are you here?” he whispered, not getting any response.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Feeling stupid, he laid back down but didn’t feel sleepy anymore. His father’s words about Ayano still echoed in his head, and there was a tight knot of loneliness tied around his heart that caused a chronic throb.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His father was the first person who he could confide in, considering his father already knew everything. His mother was too busy working and he didn’t want to bother her with his stupid emotions. He also refused to let Momo be the one to counsel him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shintaro tossed and turned in his bed, flipping his pillow around at least 4 times in the next few minutes. He missed his father far more than before; he had lost the one person who could speak to him and touch his heart.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He would never meet anyone like his father again, and he didn’t even get to enjoy his father’s company before he was gone for good. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>No, he didn’t even exist. It was all in my mind</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he reminded himself.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>What was the point of changing then?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>No one would be proud of him or disappointed either way. He had dreamt the entire sequence and his image of his father could have very well been his own imagination. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Then he didn’t owe it to anyone to change.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>No one else cares anyway. Ayano’s better off without me there to hurt her</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he thought, trying to shake away the guilt.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A series of rapid knocks on his door interrupted his thoughts.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Who’s there?” he groaned, rubbing his eyes and wondering if he was ever going to get good sleep tonight.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ll see once you come in,” said a feminine voice.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shintaro jerked awake and craned his neck to try to hear it again, but nothing came. The voice sounded like it was Ayano’s, but with all her emotions vacuumed away.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He stepped off his bed and noticed he was already dressed in his outdoor clothes; the same ones he wore on his trip with his father.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>By the time he made it to the door, uncertainty flooded through his mind. His experience with his father had left him wishing for someone else to listen to him, but he was too ashamed to face Ayano again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe this was the best time to apologize then. His father’s words were fresh in his mind, pushing him forward.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Let’s get it over with</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he thought, opening the door.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He took a step back when he saw his classroom instead of a hallway. The setting was filled with splashes of yellow and orange from the morning sun.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ayano?” he called out.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Come to me,” the voice replied.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shintaro spotted Ayano near the front of the classroom with her back to him. He walked towards her, entering the sun-filled room. The first thing he noticed were the clouds outside the window, and he rushed over to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The only thing he saw were black outlines of telephone lines and antennas situated all around the classroom, dripping all around the lonely sky, spotted with clouds. The trees, road, and the ground itself were nowhere to be seen. It was like someone had taken his class and dropped it in the middle of the sky.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He felt like he was trapped in a cage; an artificial environment made out of something familiar so he wouldn’t realize it. Like the habitats in zoos. Was Ayano fake too?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ayano?” he said again, and this time she turned around.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The girl resembled Ayano in every aspect except her eyes, missing their warmth just like how its voice was missing her happiness and emotion. She reminded him of an empty husk.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you the Ghost of Christmas Present?” asked Shintaro. “Do you know Ayano Tateyama?’</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, I am. I know Ayano very well, but that doesn’t matter. I have much to show you in a short time frame, so pay close attention and don’t ask too many questions. Otherwise you’ll miss important information.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you-” Shintaro interrupted himself when her words sank in, and he figured she wouldn’t go into detail about Ayano either way.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He wondered why so many people were acting cryptic tonight.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You always did learn fast. Our main stop is where your friends are celebrating Christmas. Follow me,” she said.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shintaro let her lead him to the front of the classroom where she opened the door. The surroundings changed in the blink of an eye, and he was dropped in front of a residence. Two pillars stood guard by the front door, surrounded by layers of different colored bricks.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Where are we?" he asked.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You haven’t visited Ayano before? This is where she lives with her family,” said the girl.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s the point of seeing them celebrate? I know Ayano’s doing well without me in her life, and it’s better that way,” said Shintaro, avoiding the windows.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“If you think that’s true, why do you sound so bitter about it? Don’t answer that, just stop feeling sorry for yourself and get inside. We don’t have all night.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Before he could argue back, she drifted straight through the door.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I could do that the entire time?</span>
  </em>
  <span> he wondered, following her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The doorframe got closer and closer as he approached, before his entire vision was filled with darkness, then the inside of the house.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>That was weird.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shrieking laughter came from his right, where the girl was standing, and Shintaro followed her to see a group gathered by a carpet. He recognized Ayano, standing up with her hands in the air and retelling something.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Three people Shintaro had never seen before sat in a group and were looking up at her, all bearing wide grins.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Haruka was the only one on a chair instead of the floor, leaned back so much he was almost fused to the cushions. He watched Ayano with drooping eyelids, but he was awake enough to smile in the middle of her story.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Takane sat beside him on the ground, closer to him than anyone else. She was in a cycle where her head kept falling against the chair and she would doze off for a few seconds. Then her eyes would shoot open, and she’d end up looking around the room, her cheeks reddening when she’d realize where she was. Eventually her fatigue would take over again, and the cycle repeated.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Several board games and stacks of cards were piled up by the carpet, and Shintaro wished he was sitting with them, as awkward as it would have been.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Is this happening right now?" he asked.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The girl nodded. "Just like in the past, you can’t influence anything. We are only spectators.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Now that nothing was happening, it was the best time to ask the girl about more details.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What should I call you?” asked Shintaro, deciding to start with smaller questions first.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Me?" her surprised response carried the only emotion he had heard from her all night. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"You can call me 'spirit,’ or the S-” she stopped herself and shook her head. “No, that would take too long to explain. Just call me ‘spirit’ or ‘Ghost of Christmas Present.’”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What about Ayano?” said Shintaro.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s not a good idea, and that’s all I’m going to say about it,” the spirit replied.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He heard a twinge of resentment in her voice, but this time thought it would be smarter to leave it alone.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mr. Tateyama came into the scene and put a tray of refreshments on the ground, rubbing his eyes after. “Don’t stay up too late. You have a whole day to celebrate tomorrow.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A chorus of reassurances came from the group, and his slouching figure disappeared upstairs.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"We should do a Christmas toast!" suggested Ayano, being met with nods all around right away.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"But who's supposed to start?" asked a boy with blond hair and golden eyes that resembled a cat's, one of the three people Shintaro hadn’t recognized.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Why don't we decide by spinning something?" said Ayano, picking up one of the pegs and spinning it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After a long while of waiting, it finally landed on Haruka, who cheered out loud at the result.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"I want to make a toast to everyone here, for spending Christmas Eve together. And to Shintaro, who isn't here but is hopefully coming tomorrow," said Haruka.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ayano’s smile fell for a second, and Shintaro turned his gaze so he wouldn’t see her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"To him? Are you kidding me? He's the reason-" began the boy from earlier.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"He's the reason why my grades haven't sunk yet," interrupted Ayano. "It's thanks to him that our project got a high mark too."</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"But-" A girl beside him with a hoodie that covered most of her head tugged on his shirt, and he went silent.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“To Shintaro? Does he even know what a toast is?” Takane snickered but raised her cup anyway.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"To all of us, and Shintaro then?" said Ayano.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>All of them raised their cups and repeated what she said. The boy was the first one to put it down without drinking from it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Haruka started coughing after he took a gulp, and Takane sprang up in an instant and patted him on the back.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Are you okay?" asked Ayano, who ran over as well.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah, I just-" he coughed a few more times. "I choked on my drink, don't worry."</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Every cough sent a pang of guilt through Shintaro, and he looked to the Ayano-lookalike for guidance. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Tell me, spirit? Will Haruka actually...die?" Shintaro whispered the last part and looked at Haruka, even though he couldn’t hear him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s for the Ghost of Christmas Future to show you,” said the girl.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Please, I have to know what happens. Can't you make a prediction?" asked Shintaro.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I see a room at half capacity within 2 years,” said the girl.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She replied so fast that Shintaro was certain she knew more than she was letting on. As selfish as it was, he hoped the missing half didn’t include all of his friends.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Half of them are going to be gone? What do you mean? You have to tell me </span>
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span>!” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Why do you care so much? It's not like they were going to buy you presents anyway," she shot back.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The words felt like a stab in the heart as he remembered saying them to Momo only hours before. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shintaro kept his eyes on Haruka’s figure, wondering if he had always been so pale or if it was a trick of the light. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He was still looking at Haruka when the scene faded away and he was suddenly standing on a metal bar with gears rotating under him. Looking around, he realized these gears were surrounding him, and instead of other structures or the sky, there was nothing but a black void. The setting reminded him of the inside of a clock tower, sans the darkness. The spirit was standing steps away, looking out at something unseen.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Where are we now?” asked Shintaro.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"You don't remember? You've been here many times in the past," she said.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Is it that hard to give me a straight answer?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Shintaro thought.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"No, I'm sorry I don't," he said instead.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"I don't mind; I've been here more times than I can count. Waiting for you to remember. You promised to never forget a long time ago," she said.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“But you can’t tell me anything, right? That would defeat the point or something like that?” he replied, trying to keep his frustration from showing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Keen observation.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What now then? Got any more cryptic clues for me?” asked Shintaro.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Not this time. My time is almost up here. I’m leaving when the clock hits 12,” she said.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shintaro’s previous anger evaporated, and he turned to read the spirit’s expression. “Do you have to go? But you’ve already taught me so much. Don’t leave me alone again.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Now you want company? I thought you hated being around people a few hours ago?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve changed after everything I’ve seen tonight,” said Shintaro.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That explains why you seem more open minded. Last time, you shut yourself in your room when-” The girl stopped herself and looked away for the first time.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why do you talk like you knew me once? How do you know me? Who are you really?” demanded Shintaro.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You wouldn’t believe me since you’ve already forgotten. I don’t have enough time before I leave either,” said the girl, walking farther away from Shintaro.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“But-”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The noisy chime of a bell echoed all around Shintaro like he was in a music studio.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s 12 o’clock now,” said the girl, and her figure looked more unclear to Shintaro.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you going to leave me too? But you’ve meant so much to me. Or at least, you probably did once, even if I don’t remember it. You helped me learn so much. I swear, I won’t forget you this time.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She only shook her head. "It doesn't matter if you do or not.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The girl turned to face Shintaro and looked at him one last time. “Don’t trust the Ghost of Christmas Future.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She shut her eyes and leaned back. Her body was swallowed by the darkness within seconds, and the rest of Shintaro’s surroundings also faded away.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He saw nothing but a black void in front of him that soon transformed into the front of his house again, looking far more faded than its previous versions. A heavy fog rolled in and swept the entire neighborhood until he could hardly see his own hands in the sea of grey. He heard footsteps slowly approaching him from behind.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Stave 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Warning: Slight reference to suicide in Route XX.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Shintaro whipped his head around, spotting a dark outline cut through the fog, making its way towards Shintaro until its details were visible. It wore dark robes and a hood that shrouded an impenetrable darkness in place of its face, reminding Shintaro of the grim reaper.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A-Are you the Ghost of Christmas Future?” asked Shintaro.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The figure simply nodded. It showed no traces of any emotions, giving him an aura as cold as the winter snow beneath them. It made the spirit all the more menacing, to the point where being next to it sent shivers across Shintaro’s back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I-I’m ready to come with you. I’ll listen to everything you say, just lead the way,” said Shintaro.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The figure nodded again, pointing a finger at his house. All the lights were off, and Shintaro felt a pit forming in his stomach. “What am I going to see in there?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The figure pointed again, more firmly this time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Aren’t you going to talk to me?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After it pointed a third time, Shintaro obeyed and entered his house. As dark as it was, it was better than staying around the spirit. He blinked to get adjusted to the darkness, then felt around for the light switch. His figures finally felt it and flicked it, flooding the living room with dim light. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Many of his family photos were missing from the shelves, and the more valuable pieces of furniture were gone as well. His house was much more barren than his last visit. Everything in the future felt </span>
  <em>
    <span>less</span>
  </em>
  <span> to him, as though something was missing from the scene.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Faint noises pierced the silence and echoed down the stairs. Shintaro followed the sound to his room, only to be met with a closed door. Momo had her palm placed over the doorframe and was leaning down as though she was about to throw up. She shook with every sniffle as tears dripped down her face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“M-Merry Christmas, S-Shintaro. I-I hope you’re doing well, w-wherever you are n-now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She let out a sob and fled to her room, slamming the door in her haste. Shintaro tried the knob and found his room locked tight.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Wherever you are now? What happened?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, not even the familiar surroundings of his house were enough to dispel the anxiety that flowed through his bloodstream, leaving him trembling as hard as Momo was a few seconds prior. His heart pounded as he sped out his house in record time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The spirit was standing still by his doorway, as emotionless as ever.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As annoying as Momo had been on Christmas, Shintaro rathered she bothered him 50 times more than to see her despairing over him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That’s two Christmases you ruined for her now</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The silence was deafening now; he couldn’t even hear the wind over his own thoughts. He voluntarily turned to the spirit for the first time, remembering what the Ayano look alike had told him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Spirit, I...I have to know something. Please show me the Tateyama Residence,” he pleaded, trying to keep the tremble out of his voice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The figure placed a hand on his shoulder, gripping him with his cold fingers and leading him forward. He watched the space in front of him mix into a dark vortex, reminding him of the photos of a black hole. Entering the space was enough to sap any remaining happiness he had, and opening his eyes only caused his vision to spin. He was so alone in the void, with the presence of the ghost only making him lonelier. He yearned to speak to someone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>To his relief, they passed through the inky blackness quickly and ended up at the front of Ayano’s house. He let out a breath and almost smiled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for bringing me here, spirit. Last year they were-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His relief faded the moment he turned to face the entrance, now devoid of the Christmas decorations from the last Christmas. Just like his house, the Tateyama Residence was covered in darkness.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why is it so quiet?” asked Shintaro.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The ghost pointed to the front door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shintaro took a deep breath, stepping indoors and retracing his steps to reach the living room, where his friends had been laughing. However, no laughter welcomed him this time. The three strangers huddled together on the carpet with their heads drooping low.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No board games or cards or refreshments were present.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s Christmas now, isn’t it?” asked a boy in green, one who had been silent during Shintaro’s last visit.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ayano always loved Christmas time. She even brought her friends here once,” murmured the girl sitting next to him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Now they’re all gone. It’s because of that boy she tried to befriend. After she left he just killed himself like the coward he was,” spat the last stranger, the boy with blond hair and cat-like eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kano, </span>
  <em>
    <span>that’s enough</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” said the girl, moving closer to the boy in green, whose eyes had begun to water. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The cat-eyed boy got up and stormed out of the room. Although the other two couldn’t see it, his eyes were also filled to the brim with tears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“K-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay Kido.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She lifted her head at the voice, and her mouth dropped a bit when she saw the boy in green with something close to a smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The best way to-to remember Ayano is to think about her at Christmas. I know we’ll never forget how much happiness she brought. In a way...feeling happy makes it seem like she never left.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Although tears were close to spilling from his eyes, he managed to finish his sentences without breaking down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What about Kano? I’m worried about him the most. He never opens up to us, and he seems so different now,” said the girl.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He needs time to recover from it. He doesn’t want us to know, but he’s taking it the hardest. He watched...he watched Ayano... right before she left us,” said the boy in green.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sorrow was so prevalent that it was nearly suffocating Shintaro. It grabbed him by the throat and tightened until he couldn’t breathe without feeling himself close to tears. He turned away and staggered out, once again looking to the spirit for a flicker of comfort.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is there really a future Christmas like this? How can anyone bear it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Despite his hopes, the ghost didn’t say anything. Shintaro wished nothing more than to go back to his time period now. Even if it meant facing his past, it was better than whatever miserable future he was living through.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Not to mention he had a sinking suspicion that he was the one Kano spoke about. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The ghost led him through the vortex again, taking him to a desolate graveyard that had been unmaintained for a while. A blanket of snow covered many of the tombstones and the ground. The few statues of angels were littered with cobwebs and small sticks. The pit in Shintaro’s stomach expanded to the point where it felt like there was a boulder in his body. The anxiety weighed on him and forced him to stop by the entrance of the graveyard. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m afraid to ask, but who...who was that boy, Kano, referencing? Who was the coward who took his own life?” asked Shintaro.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His heart skipped a beat when the ghost pointed at a grave near the back. Shintaro took a few shaky steps before turning around.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I have one more question. Is this future what </span>
  <em>
    <span>will</span>
  </em>
  <span> happen for sure, or only what might happen if I don’t change?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The figure pointed again and shook its head. Shintaro took the hint and forced himself over to the grave. Each step weighed heavy, like he was dragging chains behind him. Hadn’t he been tormented enough for one night?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The future is never certain. Anything can change.” Shintaro remembered his father’s words and repeated them to himself like a mantra as he approached the tombstone. He bent down and wiped the snow with his shaky fingers, hardly feeling the cold.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The words struck him like a bolt of lightning, and he collapsed on the spot at the sight of “Shintaro Kisaragi” engraved in stone. Fear rushed through his body and he swore he could even feel his blood flowing faster. His breathing became so fast that he started to cough. He writhed in agony with every cough that shook his body. Whatever remaining strength he had was spent on crawling away from the grave. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eventually he ended up at the feet of the spirit. His hands gripped the robes and tugged hard.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please...please, this can’t be the only future for me. Why would you show me all of this if there’s no hope for me? I swear I’ll change! I’ll do whatever it takes to avoid this. Please forgive me! Tell me I can still change what happens,” he begged.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The figure’s robes started to shake, and Shintaro could hear a man’s cackling underneath, the first time the ghost had uttered a sound. The hood of the ghost fell off from the force of his laughter. He could finally make out the features of the ghost. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The first thing Shintaro noticed about his appearance were the series of yellow circles under his right eye. Both his eyes were yellow like a cat’s and shone in the darkness.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aside from his strange circles, he resembled a human being. The fact was even more disconcerting to Shintaro. How was anyone capable of laughing at so many deaths?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How </span>
  <em>
    <span>tragic</span>
  </em>
  <span>. You don’t seem to understand that you were the cause of all this. That boy Kano was right. You took your own life like a coward after murdering a certain friend named Takane,” said the spirit, placing both his hands on Shintaro’s shoulders and looming over him. “You want to hear the solution? Stop speaking with your friends for good and interfering in their lives.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The spirit spoke as if he was performing on stage, placing dramatic emphasis on some phrases and letting his laughter seep into others.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shintaro developed a deep hatred for him, and knowing that he was powerless to strike back only amplified his anger.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You said it yourself: they’re better off and happier without you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Clenching his teeth, the only thing Shintaro managed to say was “The Ghost of Christmas Present told me not to trust you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did she? Did she happen to mention her real goal, that she wants to replace your Ayano Tateyama with herself?” said the spirit.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His unwavering voice dissolved all of Shintaro’s anger, leaving him feeling lost, as though he had been dropped in another country without a single person to guide him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you fail at staying away from your friends, find me in the present. You’ll see me with white hair and without any of my memories. When you see me in this state, bring your friends,” said the man.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The ground close to the grave crumbled and gave way. The stone lid of the coffin shattered into millions of dust particles that created a dirt cloud. As it faded into the air, it revealed a body buried several feet down. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Another version of him laid still with a gash across his throat, although the blood had long been dried out. Shintaro let out a combination of a gasp and a choking sound and moved as far away from the grave as possible before the ghost grabbed him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I </span>
  <em>
    <span>will</span>
  </em>
  <span> meet you again in the future,” hissed the man, giving Shintaro a hard shove.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His body lurched forward and began falling. The coffin was now empty, but seemed to morph and widen as Shintaro fell towards it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He fell in and immediately tried to climb out, but the previously crumbled-apart lid shut him in. He was left in total darkness, and his senses started to fail him. Soon he couldn’t even feel the hardness of the coffin, he couldn’t feel anything at all. Opening and shutting his eyes didn’t do anything either. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The same void he had experienced with the Ghost of Christmas Present returned around him. He felt a deep cold in his heart, one that no amount of jackets or extra layers could warm up. It was the realization of being completely alone, trapped in the darkness with his own screaming thoughts. Even the vortex would have been more comforting; at least some color had remained when the setting changed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Panic overtook him for a brief moment before he realized there was no point to struggling now. Ironically, he had gotten the peace and quiet he wanted so badly before.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knew it was his own fault for not appreciating what he had, but he had been better off than the other Shintaro at least. He didn’t have to live with being a murderer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Although the other one didn’t manage to </span>
  <em>
    <span>live </span>
  </em>
  <span>with it either.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His experiences swirled in his head, each memory as sharp as a knife. They drove into his heart every time he dared to remember.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His father did the best he could for someone who wasn’t able to see him grow up, but all Shintaro had done was shun out his messages. He locked himself out of his own salvation.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then the Ayano look-alike came and showed him that there were still people who thought about him. He was ashamed at how surprised he had been; blind to the very end. There was never a shortage of invitations from Ayano or Haruka, but he either ignored them or refused.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Momo would live her life remembering being yelled at the last time she saw him. Would she bear the guilt for years like his other self?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The thought was enough to drive him to action. He was soon pleading with the nothingness surrounding him. “Don’t let this be the end. Not when I finally learned the truth about everything. I know how much they mean to me now, how much I mean to </span>
  <em>
    <span>them</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Let me have another chance. Let me see them again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Despite the darkness, Shintaro saw a faint ripple come from a far away point. It soon turned to a bright light that shone like the sun and banished the dark away. When it approached Shintaro, he shut his eyes and let it take him. Anything was better than waiting for nothing.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Shintaro found himself flat on the ground in his room, blanket twisted around him. His first instinct was to check what he was wearing, and he let out a large sigh of relief when he didn’t feel his jacket. He dived back in bed when the cold kicked in, shutting his eyes and taking in all the previous events.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Everything felt so real</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he thought, hugging the covers closer. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dad, the other Ayano, my grave…</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The memories weren’t as painful as before, but he still missed his father more than ever.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You were the only one who understood me. I never told mom because of how busy she was, and Momo wouldn’t know what to say. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I won’t let your lessons go to waste dad, I promise,” he muttered. “I’ll stop spending my time feeling bad for the past. I know the future’s waiting for me, like you said.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shintaro still wondered who the Ghost of Christmas Present really was. If there was another version of him who died, could she be another version of Ayano too? Something about her last gesture struck him with a sense of deja vu. There was something oddly familiar about seeing Ayano fall, and the thought alone was enough to bring back his dread.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The Ghost of Christmas Future’s words still haunted him as well. His last sentence sounded more and more like a threat, especially because he had tossed him into a coffin. Shintaro hoped he would never have to see those piercing yellow eyes again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’re just wasting time now,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he reminded himself, shaking his head as if to dump out the thoughts. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You have lots of time to think about it on another day.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was only 8:00 AM, yet he had more energy bubbling inside him than he did on any other morning. He caught a glimpse of himself grinning in the mirror and realized how strange he looked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That’s what happens when you don’t smile</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He opened his curtains and welcomed the sunlight instead of shielding his face, letting it breathe life into him and his room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then he went downstairs and heard the clang of pots and plates against a counter. He went to the kitchen, seeing his mother cooking breakfast- a rare occasion, considering how often she had work.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good morning mom.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He saw her body jerk upwards when he spoke, and she turned around with disbelieving eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Shintaro? When did you get up so early?" she asked, setting down her pot to observe him. “Are you feeling okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I had a lot of dreams last night," he said with a shrug. “What day is it today?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s Christmas, of course. Are you sure you’re-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’m fine. I just forgot for a second,” he said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She felt his forehead and went back to work afterwards. “Don't worry, I don't need any help. Just wake Momo for me in about an hour for breakfast, but you can go back to sleep if you want."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright, I will.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In a few minutes, he was pacing in his room and racking his brain for gift ideas. He had to get her something after dismissing her last night.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His father’s last words popped up in his head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>If you manage to remember, draw me and keep the image for yourself and Momo. I don’t want her last memory of me to be from the lake</span>
  </em>
  <span>, his father had said, before his body had become a blur to Shintaro.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He took out a blank piece of paper and tried his best to draw from memory. An hour later he had a sketch of someone who looked like an older version of himself, minus the eyes. No matter how hard he tried to remember, he couldn’t complete his father’s face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The rest of it looked decent enough he supposed. There wasn’t any time left to redraw it either way. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Momo’s morning alarm went off a minute later, and he went to her room, hoping she would be too sleepy to look at it closely.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He tapped on her door and she opened it right away. Her eyes widened when she saw him. Any sleepiness she had dissipated away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shintaro was having second thoughts about the gift now. Maybe he could leave it on her desk or something when she was out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Merry Christmas! I know you didn’t want to celebrate today, but I got you new earphones. Sorry if you don’t like it. I didn’t know what you wanted.” Momo handed him a small box, and Shintaro visibly smiled when he realized they were wireless headphones.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, thanks... I actually had something for you too.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He handed the drawing to her and tried to say everything before she got too excited. "Here, I tried to draw dad from memory. And I'd love to go to Ayano's house with you if you're still willing to bring me, but if-"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She interrupted him with a sudden hug. “Thank you so much for the gift. Of course I’ll bring you with me. But...how did you manage to draw dad with so much detail?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I had a dream about him last night,” said Shintaro, leaving the part about ghosts out so she wouldn’t think he was crazy. “He talked to me a lot and told me it wasn’t your fault he drowned. He would want you to live without feeling guilty for it. And I know I haven’t been the best brother, but you can always talk to me if you need to!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shintaro had tried to add some enthusiasm to the end, but he mentally facepalmed when he realized how unconvincing he had sounded. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Luckily, Momo still seemed so touched that she was on the brink of tears, in spite of his overall awkwardness. She hugged him a bit tighter.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"He would have been proud of you too," she said, letting go of him afterwards.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They stood in an uncomfortable silence for a while, neither of them sure what to say, until Shintaro remembered why he was here in the first place. “Breakfast is ready.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He experienced the most lively breakfast table in his life. Overcome with a surge of excitement, Shintaro spoke about any experience that was remotely interesting. Despite being terrible at storytelling, he got his family to laugh a few times. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His mother had felt his head again for a fever and kept looking at him like he had grown a horn, but her usual work stress had faded away from her face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they finished and Shintaro went upstairs to get ready for his trip, he recalled with horror that he had forgotten to bring a gift for Ayano. He went over to Momo when she was finished getting dressed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I didn't get a gift for Ayano..." he confessed. "I was mad at her for a while over the stupidest reason. All the stores are closed by now. How am I supposed to show up without a single present?" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You could get something homemade?" she suggested.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I don’t know what she likes though, and I doubt I’m talented enough for anything special." He paced back and forth the hallway. “You should go to her house without me and I’ll come later. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> tell her if I’m coming or not; I want to surprise her. See you later.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She called out something, but he was too much in a hurry to hear her. He sped over to his computer and pulled up his search engine in record time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>what stores are open on christmas</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>google maps</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He settled on a general store in a mall that was a distance away but close enough to a subway stop. Shintaro pulled out the same clothes he had worn in his dreams and sped downstairs. tugging on his coat right when he reached the front door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>An hour later and he was pacing in front of the store, realizing he had forgotten to figure out a gift idea. He was too preoccupied with looking at directions and making sure he didn’t get off at the wrong stop, especially with how unfamiliar the city was. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That’s what happens when you stay inside all the time</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he berated himself. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Use your brain Shintaro. What does Ayano like? What did she get for you in the past?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She used to fold paper cranes out of his tests and slipped them on his desk when he wasn't looking. She knew he would unfold it out of anger, hoping to ruin the creation. That was when he would be met with his 100 in red marker.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"It's a reminder to be proud of yourself," she once told him.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shintaro could almost feel a lightbulb forming above his head, and he bought several sheets of kami, wrapping paper, tape, and a small box of chocolates. Then he sat outside the mall near the food court and wrote a message.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dear Ayano,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I didn't want to send you a real letter because I don't know where the stamp goes, so I'm writing it here. I'm sorry for blaming you for the project and insulting you so many times at school. I can’t wait to see you today and I hope you aren’t mad at me. Seeing you will be the best present for my Christmas, and here are some chocolates I think you like.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shintaro.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He tried to fold it into an animal but failed until he settled for folding it in half several times. He placed it with the chocolates and clumsily wrapped the box, leaving numerous wrinkles in the paper.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Good enough</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he thought, taping it all together and gathering everything in his arms.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He should have remembered to bring a bag.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One subway ride and a short walk later and he was out of breath in front of the Tateyama Residence. It eerily resembled the residence he had seen in his dreams perfectly. He wondered if they had really just been dreams, considering he had never visited her house before.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe his father had visited him after all. He was probably watching him now, hoping he wouldn’t screw up his redemption.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Although the thought left him shaken, he shook his head, pressed on, and knocked on the door. The boy named Kano answered it and his eyebrows shot up at seeing him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I help you?” Kano asked, looking him up and down and settling his gaze on the present.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I hope so? I mean, is Ayano Tateyama here? I’m her classmate and I wanted to tell her something,” said Shintaro.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, Ayano’s here. I’ll call her down for you.” Kano shouted her name and a fainter shout came back afterwards. “She’ll come in a minute.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for the help, and Merry Christmas,” said Shintaro, putting on another smile and hoping it didn’t look too weird.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Judging by the way Kano was holding back a chuckle, it probably did.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Ayano showed up, her eyes and smile both widened as she opened the door all the way. “Shintaro! I didn’t know you were coming. Momo told me you-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wait, </span>
  <em>
    <span>that’s</span>
  </em>
  <span> Shintaro?” Kano looked horrified after her words, immediately fixating him with a glare. “What do you want?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ayano gave Kano a look, shaking her head and switching positions with him at the door. “I thought you said you didn’t want to come?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What, I’m not welcome here?” asked Shintaro, putting on his best annoyed face while taking care not to overdo it. “I didn’t forget about our last day of school.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, you are definitely </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> welcome here Kisaragi. Ayano told me what happened, and I haven’t forgotten about that day either,” interjected Kano.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kano-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, let me talk to him Ayano,” said Kano, moving closer to the door and crossing his arms.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And therefore-” began Shintaro.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And therefore I’m telling you to get off our property right away!” shouted Kano. He had taken the door handle back from Ayano at this point, and held it in a fierce grip.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And therefore, I’m here to apologize.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And I’m about to shove that right- huh?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Both Kano and Ayano had equally wide open mouths. Kano had almost closed the door in Shintaro’s face at this point, but now slowly opened it once more. He stepped aside without a word, so surprised that his anger disappeared.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t mishear me. I’m sorry for treating you like that at school. Can you forgive me?” Shintaro offered the present and bowed his head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ayano’s eyes crinkled as she smiled at him in return.“Of course Shintaro. I never blamed you for it,” she said, unwrapping the present in a few seconds and almost squealing with delight when she unfolded the paper. “Thank you so much for the gift. I’m so happy you showed up!’ She took his hand and led him inside her house. “Come on, the rest of them are waiting for us.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>To his surprise, Kano didn’t protest her decision, although he didn’t say anything to Shintaro. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She led him to the room he had seen while with the other Ayano, and Haruka was the first to wave to him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As he found himself at the centre of the room’s attention, Shintaro promised himself he wasn’t going to revert back to his past behavior no matter what happened. He knew that Ayano and his family were there to support him, and he would do everything he could to prevent that nightmarish future from occurring.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The past held sadness while the future brought him fear. The only thing he could do was live in the present, and that was the lesson he had absorbed from all his experiences in one day. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He waved back at the people he realized were his friends, and let Ayano lead him to them all.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Huge thank you to my amazing beta reader Joey for his help and art. If you enjoyed, why not consider commissioning him here (or spreading the word): https://twitter.com/joe_kinging/status/1322222817698549760</p></blockquote></div></div>
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